The Awesome Things: Forgive and Forget?

Monday, August 22, 2011

Forgive and Forget?

As I child, I was an ugly duckling, I was so frail and sickly, my parents hardly shower me with their love and affection. There were hardly any words to describe the misery, or if there are any. Those were the times where I verbal abuse was thrown at me and I had to face corporal punishment from my father where I get punished by the littlest things and almost by no grounds at all. I cant forget the times when I'm coming late going to school he would pinch my stomach so hard it bruised just because i was so slow in eating. he wouldn't let me go play with neighborhood friends and when I would ask permission to watch tv or play he'd let me do chores until I don't have time to watch tv anymore and to go out and play. He tries to make my life as miserable as ever. I don't know why, I guess he just hates me and sees me as a nuisance in his new found family and sees me as a waste of space. He probably gets envious when my mom would give me some attention.

Whenever my parents had a fight, my stepfather would vent out his anger at me and tries to be very critical about my slightest mistakes. My Childhoods days was an abject hell whenever he's around. The memory is still so vivid from my memory and thinking about it now pierces my heart. I feel a pang of pain in my chest. Because of all that a statue of spite erected between us.  

Even at the age of 16 not much has changed he still treats me differently from my other siblings.There was a time throw a pillow so hard at me because of again another mistake another who-knows-what-kind-of-rule-I've-broken-again-that-time where he slapped me so hard I fell to the floor and another when I he kicked me on my sides while I was still sleeping. If he wouldn't throw demeaning or rude comments to me then he would either hit me hard just for his enjoyment.

Thank God I'm studying away from him in college, this way I won't feel a heavy burden in my heart in my soul. *world-heavy-sigh* I believe that I've forgotten his mistakes to me the time when he said sorry. But come to think of it he didn't actually asked for forgiveness. He just said sorry as though all of the things I've been through didn't ruin my high school life. I couldn't be myself, I couldn't come out of my shell, I coudn't experience freedom as though he didn't want me to be happy. he may have said sorry though I don't know if it was a heartfelt apology but the damage was permanent. It has seared my heart and left scars. Wounds heal but scars never fade away.

As much as I want to forget, The memories keeps on coming back. I've forgiven him but I'm not sure that I would be able to forget. I've tried my best to forget but it's no use. The pain keeps on hunting me from the days past.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” you say Mr. Lewis B. Smedes?! 

Okayy, what the guy said was true. Let bygones be bygones you say?! aye, I must hand it to you. You've got a point there. 

But a part of me is half-wishing not to forget those memories. Let those memories serve as a reminder to never let history repeat itself and to never let a man into my life to take away my life now, to control me, to tell me how to act how to think and to bring misery to my life. Non non non !! I will not let a man destroy my life now. Because I'm contented with my life now, I'm so happy. God loves me and pours his favor and grace upon me and my loved ones and I'm rich and famous. If the latter seems too good to be true, that's because it is. Bottom line is I will not let a guy take away everything thatI have now, got it?!! GOOD. Rockstarice cream

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